Help for You Now

Hi. Sit wherever you like.

Note to The Reader (that’s you): There is a short–a very short–version of the help-portion of this article to be found in the menu. Or, you can scroll all the way to the last paragraph.

Here I will talk about different reasons we get hurt and hurt others—and then what to do in the moments in which memories and bad feelings from these events plague us….

Getting Hurt
Having a tough time? These days, I often am–and in the last 13 years or so, I have had some real butt-kickers. It’s strange, right? You mean well your whole life, have never caused any trouble to speak of (at least, you think), you do your best, but you still wind up tripping up–hurting someone, someone hurts you--“for no reason” (which, by the way, in reality, never happens)–or “worse” (for you), you find out mean-spiritedness isn’t just in the news or in the movies–people deliberately trip one another up. People can actually do to you what you would never have had a nightmare about, wanting to do to someone else.

Learning The Hard Way in Korea And Japan
These things have only seemed to happen to me in New York City, Long Island and Japan. Of course some undesirable things happened to me and others in Korea—as a result of my rashness in youth and circumstance. These things weren’t entirely the doing of others, but even when I had tricky bosses, mean supervisors, assailants (yes, I was chased by a gang in Seoul, once, beat up–to a degree, and needed a leg cast–for merely carrying someone in my arms; well, I had cursed at the gang—after they had cursed at me).

And another time (of course it was another time; could you imagine more happening to me after being beat up by a gang—on that same day? I’m not Tom Cruise, you know!)…. I had someone come at me with a knife, a gangster chase me through an alley, a livingtel employee throw me against a wall, a hotel clerk deny me service for my skin color, a school boss threaten me—but other than that, I had really good experiences in Korea…. Really! You’re laughing. It’s okay. Laugh. It’s funny now.

I also saved a few people from earning multiple broken bones on several occasions, in Korea. Really. And I possibly saved two out those three from death—but then—another time, I had to hit a young man in a bar—well… actually, no, I didn’t have to; he was bothering me for a while and wouldn’t stop, but I was a wee bit drunk (and hanging out with a guy who sort of brought that side out of me; I no longer drink and I no longer hang out with tough guys). I should have walked away—and another time, I did hit a man in a sauna locker room—because he wouldn’t leave me alone, either. This guy followed me into the shower and was harassing me. I don’t even know what about. Then he followed me to my locker. He was probably a xenophobe. Later, when I was stretched out, ready to sleep in the sleeping area, the manager I don’t even know what about. passing by—gave me the thumbs up—but I don’t like to hit people, and have avoided violence most of my life…. Korea was a special case. This is a very warm and compassionate country, but a very tough one—with a painful history and a few cultural features that can harbor resentment and pain in people, so in certain areas—especially in those days—a foreigner needed to be mindful of where he was and what he said and whom he showed off. I mean, I was often called out to from behind—told not to be with the girl I was, or she was told to not be with me as we walked along at night. But for the most part, Koreans are sweet people. And it is very different there, today. But those guys in Itaewon did get blood on my shirt, though….

I’m not bragging—and I’m not complaining, here; I understand those ignorant, good-for nothing, xenophobic, young jackasses who sent me to the hospital. Wink. They were just dumb kids—dumb kids in a homogeneous society who hadn’t grown up in a multicultural, cosmopolitan environment, and who knew nothing of me and my good track record, nothing of my intentions—nothing of the world, really—and didn’t care. They were toughs in working class the Bokwang, district of Itaewon (which, in actuality, means they weren’t very tough at all). But this also happened in the Insa district, up in North Seoul—a mostly gentile place full of art, culture and—well “gentlemen”.

Again – these are examples—samples of things that can happen in a life—specifically the life of an expat with an open heart, a sense of adventure, a healthy dose of sincerity and a lack of foreign experience in a strange land—(as Korea was pretty strange in those days)—and at that time—maybe a big mouth.

So—these were understandable, albeit unfortunate situations due flaws in character, differences in personal philosophies and upbringing, cultural programing and misunderstanding… momentary lapses in reason (or in the case of my assailants and watchers, completely different sets of reason)… with an unhealthy dose of fear in some cases (on the part of my then “enemies”)—and too much passion, and youthful defensiveness which comes out in aggression…. We could add immaturity, and even the inclusion of alcohol—particularly soju, a clear, rocket-fuel-comparative sake-like potato wine that it was obligatory to learn to drink in South Korea (still is) —which I was not getting used to well. One does not sip soju like its Japanese counterpart made from rice. One gulps each shot of it. And—in fact, more than the inclusion of alcohol, circumstances are a large and important ingredient in the best and worst of times….

Environment
Whom you keep company with is a large influence on your behavior and can contribute to ether getting hurt or hurting others. That young man I hit in the bar—the one who was “bothering” me – I have because I have been hanging out with a really tough guy. I’m sure of that. When I am with my smarter friends, I never even think of doing such things. With or without smart friends around, I never want to fight, anyway, but we are all capable of doing what is in the human primate body of behaviors; it depends on what behaviors we are continually exposed to and cultivate or diminish in ourselves.

Not that I was thinking that night—as I said, I was a little drunk (I say a little, because I have always hated to drink to excess; I don’t like getting sick!); and I was punchy, that night—also a state of mind that I am very rarely if ever in. That young man I hit in the bar—the one who was “bothering” me – I had, because I had been hanging out with a really tough guy. I’m sure of that. When I am with my smarter friends, I never even think of doing such things, normally—(not that I was thinking that night; I don’t have a problem with violence. Those incidents, described above, are the only ones like them in my life. They all happened in Korea. But I don’t blame Korea.

Changing And Taking Responsibility
I, and others I know, changed in Korea—somewhat—some for the worse—until remembering where we are from and whom we wanted to be… —we changed some of our behavior, first, which becomes habit by acculturation—wanting to be open-minded, to fit in, and to experience; but the lucky ones among us didn’t change permanently. I didn’t. But I dragged some of my post-traumatic stress from these and other experiences into some wonderful relationships and made them harder….

Many of us—I like to think—changed permanently for the better, in Korea (and Japan). I did. (Not that was a bad guy before, mind you.) In fact, it was part of why I went the 7,000 miles to live and work and study there. These cultures can show a westerner how to develop more respect, thicker skin and a more “go with the flow attitude”, but I digress.

These things hadn’t occurred in my life, in the US, in his previous 29 years, and probably not in the lives of my co-actors—more circumstantial evidence that we were involved in what I call “occidental accidents in the orient” (I guess for some of my co-actors, it would be oriental accidents with an occidental). I know these terms are not politically correct, but they are taken from the name of my memoir, which needs to hearken back to an older time, because it is in our ignorance of change or difference that we transgress, and more importantly, when I arrived in Korea in 1996, it was still pretty … ah, traditional?

However—whatever the reasons for our missteps, transgressions, errors, faux pas, and cascading crashes into disaster, we must take responsibility for them and all our misdeeds, youthful indiscretions and collisions with temptation, temperament and ego—and we can be glad they didn’t escalate to a legal or cataclysmic extent with too many long-lasting side-effects, except, perhaps for regret and heartbreak….

Bad-faith Actors And Sabotage
That was a long preamble to this: I have never plotted against anyone, however…. when bad-faith actions befall us, perpetrated by bad-faith actors, sometimes, we may discover we’ve been sabotaged–(and severely, sometimes–for me—twice in my life); it can have negative repercussions for years to come–so, it’s best if we get back up on our feet quickly, whether we pursue justice or not.

I usually do–get back up on my feet (I didn’t pursue justice either time I was severely wronged). Anyway–either way–why hold on to anger? Most people can’t help their behavior anyway—until maybe they can; ‘no use getting upset–at least for very long, anyway–whether you pursue justice or you don’t.

So, when after those times, in which you can clearly see, someone, or worse–several someones—deliberately hurt you, for his or her—or their own benefit—or because they live in fear and felt that the mean choice was necessary-it can be a lot harder to recover quickly—or, as the case was with me, several times—I recovered, but the ripples and waves from those events hit me again, later.

I can still see their effect today… but in a manner of speaking, this is self-made, because we say, ‘if they had not done this to me, then A, B, and C would be different now; we are probably right, but we can’t be sure about that. Things might have turned out differently and worse had they not. (More than likely, however, “the bad” that occurred and the missed opportunities, hurt feelings and marked reputation–all these things wouldn’t have been a part of our experience–at least from the particular events we seize on).

In the Dhammapada, we should remember Siddhartha said:

“He abused me, he beat me, he defeated me, he robbed me,” — in those who harbor such thoughts, hatred will never cease.

Hurt by Mindlessness
Still other times, you find, someone has just been so completely unaware of his or her surroundings–and his or her affect on others (his or her behavior usually, perhaps)–that hurting people is inevitable for this person.

Hurting Others
And then… there are the times you find you were this person–not the one who deliberately hurt someone–but accidentally, maybe because you don’t know where you are or what you are doing–and… there it is: You erred bad enough such that you cannot expect forgiveness. You made an irreparable mess. Maybe you made several, or repeated the same type of mistake–as you weren’t at your best or were in new terrain and unaware of how to navigate. Whatever it is, most of us don’t want to hurt anyone, and it might take time to see our errors and correct them.

Often (if not always), others have contributed in one way or other–but are also unaware. This is–by the way–usually the case. “It takes two”, the saying goes…. And most people–there are exceptions–operate as if they are in the right, have done no wrong, or at least, as if the other person whom they perceive as the offender is the lone responsible party; this is especially true across culture barriers (of all types–nit just international ones)–but I digress. What I am really saying in this article is we often carry wounds a long time.

Anyway, you can’t forget it–because you feel responsible for hurting someone–maybe someone you care about–and so it hurts you for ages–maybe in more ways than you can imagine at present–remember, those ripples and waves? Sometimes they may take a while to manifest. Maybe you miss this person. And there is no redemption, so it’s a cross you bear, for years–always there in the back of your mind, in your heart–or both.

Hurt by Total Strangers
Or–maybe it is a stranger, a family member not-so-close, or an old friend. Some people hurt so much, they never say “it’s okay”. Sometimes it will never be okay. Sometimes you big, and it’s all three….

General Stress
Or maybe you are simply feeling stress over things you have to do, or the people in your life? And the stress is with you like an itchy sweater you can’t take off…. What can you do? How can you get from moment to moment–especially if two, three–even more of these issues don’t seem solvable for a long time? How can you remain peaceful for very long? Or find true peace at all.

The Help: Sometimes all we can do is take life moment by moment….

I know there is good in you. You need to remember that; the good far outweighs the bad. You are not your mistakes or your worries. And you can use the good, grow it, make your life easier–making it better–no matter how difficult it is at this moment…. Just take each moment one at a time, when things are difficult and you can’t stop thinking of the next thing, of the future–of that thing that is bothering you, worrying you, or of the past. Just say, “I am in this moment… making toast/tying my shoe/doing the dishes.” Whatever it is, say that and focus on what you are doing then. You could add–if that doesn’t work: “I am not in the next moment, or the next, or tomorrow or next week. All I can do is what I am doing right now.” And: “I will enjoy this moment.” Take each moment, one at a time, and the rest will take care of themselves. I hope you have a better day.

Best wishes,

Carl
PS: In case you haven’t noticed, the last paragraph is a permanent page on this site, so you can always return to it. I don’t mind if you do–as long as it is help for you.

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