We all talk about what happens when we die. I met a wise man at the top of Bukhan Mountain in Korea, once, and this is what he told me—about where the followers of different religions go, when they pass away, or die, or whatever happens when the brain and heart stop doing what they do:

The Christians go to a resort in the sky, if they’re sorry for having been jerks and profess to believe. If they’re not, they stay at a place something like the sun–forever. And God makes them non-destructible at that point—you know, so they don’t burn up but are able to feel pain.

The Jews don’t go anywhere. They become their own advocates and litigate outside the gates of either place. The reason they don’t get muscled in is no one wants to cross them. They are good in a fight, make good movies and, you never know when you’re going to need a lawyer.

The Buddhists have unlimited lives, but if they’re pains in the ass, they come back as worms, or dogs, or North Koreans. Or almost worse, they come back as dogs in traditional villages in South Korea, where they are a delicacy.

The Muslims have the best deal. They have to be good–which may include being involved in Mission Impossible-style military campaigns for political causes, which may include suicide, but the rewards are great for this. If they die during one, I hear they go to a place like the Playboy mansion in the sky. If they are bad, they have to hang out with infidels at Fox.

Taoists hitch a ride on a meteor, which mysteriously leaves the atmosphere without crashing, hitched to a flying dragon–who then takes them to some wine and opium-filled after-party in another galaxy.

Atheists just die.

Agnostics sort of die, sort of go to Heaven (where they are rewarded by God for being honest), and sort of go to Hell–on a rotating basis. I hear it’s like riding a merry-go-round through a segmented circle, with parts being like a sex shop, an inferno, and a Woody Allen movie.

Deists go to The God Buffet and have a membership card to all realms–which they can visit at will, but can never stay at permanently. They tend to hang out with the spirits of the Jihadist Muslims at the Playboy Mansion in the sky. Even the women.

Jainists own the whole shebang. Yeah, unbelievable, right? All the realms of the afterlife are concessions, owned by those vegetarian pacifists. I don’t know where they live after death. I think it is some big floating resort called “In Your Face, Nirvana,” orbiting another star in the constellation, Virgo.

Hindus are the limo drivers and the Sufis are the therapists and yoga instructors.

Shintoists just go on tending those sublime shrines and go to sleep at night in the rocks, the trees and the creatures in the breeze.

Nobody knows what happens to American Indians. I think they just continue on as great spirits in the form of living peyote smoke or drum rhythms & chants–everywhere.

This was satire.

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Carl Atteniese / 亜天二恵世万慈道

Thank you for reading. I hope this finds you exceedingly well. I was born in Brooklyn, in the middle of the NASA Gemini space Program era--which was on course for the Apollo program, aiming to land men on the moon. I watched Neil Armstrong make humanity's first step on the lunar surface. The space program left a lasting effect on me and inspired life-long interest and passion in me. I was born a little more than 2 years after President John Kennedy was assassinated and a few years before Dr. Martin Luther King was assassinated. It was a time of tumult, but better manners, a gentler approach to one another (despite the prejudice being worked on by progressives-) little political correctness, no cancel culture and thicker skin & more opportunity for laughs, a time of fantastic television, austere and fact-based news delivered with brevity and sobriety and much superlatively stylish design. It was the beginning of Star Trek, Star Wars, and a few years on, personal computers, digital watches, hand-held electronic games and movies were still in theaters--not on our TVs--unless they were a little old. People paid more attention to books, from where trust is built with credibility we intrinsically see, competency earned and reflected and facts & expertise. One reason I am not apt to dabble in irrational conspiracy theories is I made many a trek to the local library, to read about stars, planets and astronauts, and to the local bookstore--no longer there--to find my favorite science fiction novels--to either read, or simply marvel at their covers, by Boris Valejo and Frank Frazetta--inspirations that would fuel my later entry into the School of Visual Arts in New York City. I grew up in Long Island, worked and was educated there until I discovered New York City, then it was on to Boulder Colorado, The Mojave Desert, South Korea and now Japan. I have visited Mongolia, the Philippines, and England and hope to see the rest of the world--and maybe even beyond it. I teach English as a Second Language, practice secular Buddhism and pay attention to philosophy, astronomy, spaceflight, aviation and human & species rights. I make art, poems and photography--and real friends, wherever I go--when I can. Maybe our paths will cross; until then, enjoy my writing and pictures, and send me a note. Maybe we can have a cup of coffee someday, somewhere. Thank you for reading. I wish you love, peace, joy and enlightenment--sincerely--because you are sentient, and you suffer, too. Carl Atteniese Tokyo View all posts by Carl Atteniese / 亜天二恵世万慈道

Pick A Good Religion

We all talk about what happens when we die. I met a wise man at the top of Bukhan Mountain in Korea, once, and this is what he told me—about where the followers of different religions go, when they pass away, or die, or whatever happens when the brain and heart stop doing what they do:

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Carl Atteniese / 亜天二恵世万慈道

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