Last night I received a letter from an apparently nice young girl who has a wonderful boyfriend (by her own admission). They seem to have a great relationship. However, as often happens, she has begun to pick it apart with a fine-tooth comb.
Now, far be it from me to say that if you do not love someone, you should stay with that person, but when you do, I don’t believe the solution to the discovery of peccadilloes is to break up with the hopes of finding Mr. Right.
Indeed, because of the nature of love and the nature of people, I believe there is no one “Mr. Right”, but there are many Mr. Right as Can Bes.
Here is what I wrote in response:
Hi, Friend,
Thank you, for writing!
How are ? You seem very nice!
The beginning of your letter encouraged me. You seem balanced, thoughtful, intelligent, and open to life.
Later, you ‘descend’, so to speak, into what I think of as the mother instinct. You begin to look for flaws in your man, and you begin to compare then to your ideals of perfection. Throughout the animal kingdom, females of the mammalian and other species look for security, partnership, and fathering qualities and skills in their mates. It is no different with us Homo sapiens.
What we have, however, that most other species do not, is the art and skill of love-at our disposal-to prevent us from moving from mate to mate, like mere animals; some of us, anyway. ^^
Now, relax. I am not trying to insult you. What you are experiencing is normal. You may not be sure about your boyfriend. someone once said confusion is a gift. It helps us see what is not right. But what is important is, if your heart has chosen him, and you are not mentally compromised (so that you are not interested in him for some reason of psychological dependency), then he is “right” for you. I think moist people in the world would disagree with me here, but I think the heart (really an aspect of the mind), does not lead us astray. The ego, (another part of the mind), however, can, in its obsession to protect us.
Of course you have to make sure that the man you are choosing is one you can love indefinitely, and one who can love you too, in this way, but much to the surprise of most human beings who learn this, that is more about you and him than it is about intrinsic, non-changeable qualities. As human beings, you can actually change the ways in which you act (as can he he), since you are the highest of all sentient beings with the most developed brains. This is the point of love. We change and grow through it!
It is simple a complete fallacy (a pathetic one), that we are one particular way and thus have to find another who matches us. It is patently ridiculous. Read Dr. Dyer’s book, “Your Erroneous Zones”. our labels limit is. They do not expand us and make us better people. Most importantly, they are not real.
What I mean is, there are many reasons why your boyfriend may be acting shy around you, which are not permanent! Indeed, it may even be something related to your particular behavior. We are not rocks, and as such, we have malleable personalities. If we don’t, we have no business parading around in human form.
If you sense a bit of frustration in me, I am sorry, but it is something frustrating to me that the human species does not talk about this more, especially in educating its young. The main reason is what I have been going on about here for a long time; PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW WHAT LOVE IS OR HOW TO MASTER IT.
I am not frustrated with you, but with society. People need to learn more about the possibilities in resolving conflict with behavioral change (a lot of which is not hard; I am not talking about completely changing a person), and in love especially.
Another thing I must tell you is that love is not a thing that closes your eyes to beauty;
“I feel guilty for seeing another guy walk by who’s “hotter” then my boyfriend and thinking “wow this guy is so cute!”. I don’t understand. Isn’t love supposed to be where you only find your man attractive and no one else?”
No. You should see beauty in everyone, and of course you are going to be attracted, in a minimal way at least, to others all your life. This is the “feeling of love”. And this is where True Love Practice comes into play. Once you decide you want to continue loving and being loved by your mate, you just ignore those impulses toward others, and you focus on your beloved. In addition, you avoid temptation. This is a major aspect of mature love.
Finally, however, if you feel unattached to him to the extent that you are looking at others all the time, this could mean that all his qualities are not enough to make him beautiful to you-such that you need not look at others.
This is what happens to me, and it is why I can even fall in love with an “ugly” person.
Lastly, if you love him, just do that; love him, and stop asking so many questions. Your goal should not be to find the perfect match, because…it doesn’t exist. The universe, of God, grants that to no one. No one deserves that kind of sentence. We all deserve the right to struggle and grow, to make us closer to the human beings-or the divine-that we can become.
Talk gently to your boyfriend about his shyness. Accept it, too, for he may be the listener you need. Lot’s of women like the strong silent type. How about you? What if he talked all the time and was outgoing, like you? You might be writing a letter fo me about your fears that he will meet someone else? And regarding your looks; do you think you are perfect? Do you really think he doesn’t appreciate good-looking women, as you appreciate good-looking men?
One reason my ex recently broke up with me was that I talk so much. Can you believe it? Another is-I believe-I made her feel really confident; overly so. I told her all the time, that she is the most beautiful woman in the world. And I feel that way. Love should give you beer goggles!
I hope this helps! Write me again, with your thoughts.And please consider letting me put this on my website. I wouldn’t use your name. It could help a lot of people.
Love, Peace, and Joy,
Carl Atteniese
